Dear Ari,
Last night, I dreamt about a French bathroom
that relentlessly hounded me for answers. It
rudely asked me with increased agitation,
‘where did the bidet go?’ I had no idea, I said.
That was quite true. But yet the bathroom
persisted, ‘how could you steal a bidet? Have
you no shame?’ ‘Shame?,’ I snapped ‘No, but
I do have your bidet, sucker!’, then I ran.
I did not really have the bidet, but I still
turned out my pockets just to be on the safe
side. No bidet fell out, but a key did. I was
usually not trusted with keys, so you can
understand the rush of excitement that
swept over my fingertips. I ran around the
old house in search of a doorway with a
keyhole. Anyway, I guess what I am trying
to ask you Ari is, do you like black & white
movies? My favourite is The Postman
Always Rings Twice, with Lana Turner.
Did you know that in that movie there are
118 shots of doors? Do you suppose the
director was obsessed with frames, or
something? Didn’t the 1981 remake only
have like, 77 doors? Anyway Ari, I must
have jammed that key into 117 doors
before I discovered that it unlocked
that old, French bathroom. So, I tentatively
turned the key & noticed to my delight,
that all the accusatory fixtures were gone.
In their place however, was this note
penned in a hurried scrawl: ‘Gone for
Revenge’. I felt a little uneasy, so I looked
into a lovely mirror by the medicine cabinet,
& took two deep breaths. But then I took
one deep gasp as I saw your reflection appear
right next to mine. The mirror-you looked
a bit coy. You also held a bidet in your hands.
Instinctively, I knew you wouldn’t speak
from within the safety of that mirror, so I
simply asked you to nod once if you could
hear me, twice if you had a receipt for that
bidet, & a third time if you were able to
lock your bathroom door.
Sincerely,
Ryan
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