Dear, Rolling Stone
Enclosed is my latest submission, a rather
controversial painting called: A Nightmare,
Which 50 Cent Wakes Up From After Suddenly
Smelling The Pungent Aroma Of Burnt Toast,
Mere Seconds Before Subsequently Realizing
That He Has Somehow Become Submerged
Within A Bloodied, Honeymoon Suite Bathtub,
Where He Is Short One Kidney & Feeling
Suspiciously Numb From The Waist Down.
To many people within the arts, Ryan Bird
is merely ‘That Toronto poet who was famously
sentenced, by activist judges, to become a
butler for his literary agent.’ However, in
recent few weeks, Ryan’s first attempts at
visual art have garnished him nearly enough
critical acclaim to begin garnishing himself
a brand new identity. For instance, this week’s
Eye Weekly raves that ‘Bird’s work is done
here.’ While this morning’s Breakfast Television
emphatically declared ‘Thank you Ryan, & now
coming up next: a chainsaw that carves
chairs out of ice, but first, let’s check in on
the weather with Jennifer, say, can we
expect a romantic blanket of snow this
coming Valentine’s Day, Jennifer?’ In fact,
even a senior G-Unit spokesman is on record,
no less than an hour ago, stating ‘No, this is
not how we do, this is not how we do at all.’
Sincerely,
Ryan
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