The Almost Advent Sonnet

If

your

apologies

were

fruitcake,

yours

words

might

have

survived

the

long

trip

home.

One Million Writers Demand Email Submission Sonnet

At 4:21 pm, a tube sock salesman
appeared at the screen door
in my alleyway.

He left my presence without
becoming any richer.

He put a hat with money in it in my hand.
Upside down, the hat held $1.37 in mixed coins.
The salesman told me to get some
noodles to eat with it.

He also gave me some knee-high socks.
‘For warmth,’ he said, ‘and dreams.’

Currently, my warmth and dreams are filled with coins;
not one red cent is spent
on postage.

A Review of August Rush

This poem will appear in The Facebook Review #4.

A Review of Gladiator

This poem will appear in The Facebook Review #4.

The Fall

This piece is entitled: Bateman, the first fish to sprout the evolutionary wonder of ornamental legs, gets lured into a patch of that dreadful temptress known to survivors as Anthemusian siren kelp.

by Ryan Bird

Cost: $10

The Abyss

This piece is entitled: Friedrich Nietzsche's untimely death, via complications from elective rhinoplastic cosemtic surgeory, inspires a yet-to-be-composed Wagnerian opera called 'That Which Does Not Kill Me, Will Only Make Me Eternally Bangable.'

by Ryan Bird

Cost: $17

The Gift

This piece is entitled: Ravena the lopsided Minke Whale circumnavigates dangerous pirate wreckage with the help of her trusty magnetic tumor; a growth which she ironically developed after eating 57 percent of the ship's cache of ill-gotten gold dubloons.

Cost: $15

The Tough Questions

This piece is entitled: Yellow-spotted plateosaurus hesitantly ponders how, scientifically speaking, he ever found this discraded ostrich-feather burlesque fan at this particular point in the Mesozoic Era without the aide of some fun-loving, yet benevolant Creator.

by Ryan Bird

Cost: $10

What Are Your 3 Favourite Movies?

One time,

I was dutifully removing

my dirt from my

Boss' ditch

when a trusted,

if slightly madcap,

nightly news anchor

ordered me to lean out

of the nearest window & yell:

I'm mad as hell,

& I am not going

to take this

anymore.

As it turned out,

just as I was about

to voice my displeasure

with the depression,

the inflation, the Russians

& the crime in the street

whilst, mid-triumphant-sentence,

I felt myself painlessly succumb

to the ravages

of Iocaine poisoning.

Skepticism Song

"The number of
intermediate varieties
which have formerly
existed
on earth
must be truly
enormous.
Why then is not
every geological formation
and every stratum
full of such intermediate
links?
Geology assuredly
does not reveal
any such
finely graduated
organic chain;
and this, perhaps,
is the most obvious
and gravest objection
which can be urged
against my
theory."

- Charles Darwin 1902 edition.

Remembrance Day Song

The monkeys were waving their

crimson bed sheets as the albino

tigers charged forth from the

barrel of my standard issue rifle.

I could hear the piping-hot

organ sounds of The Entertainer,

& the squeak of twisting balloon

animals rising up behind me.

Roasted peanuts crunched underfoot.

My left sneaker stuck to the

floorboards of the elephant cage,

which made no sound at all.

The floorboards would not make

a sound for nearly forty years.

Even if their grandsons asked, very nicely.
Especially if their grandsons asked, very nicely.

Lifestyle Song

Come jog with us, Danny;

we promise to use our vegan powers

only for good.

Jillian Song

"Look,

nobody

wants

to

buy

thier

home

from

someone

dressed

like

a

Spanish

teacher."

Jogger Song

My self-respect feels vaguely like
a shopping spree at Runner's World.

The seeds of my Fair Trade pomegranate
feel more energetic, now that they're healthy.

After a brief cool-down in the lotus position,
my laces untie themselves
like handled snakes.

After School Special Song

As an avid Dog the Bounty Hunter fan,
I should give my aunt a quick sympathy call,
you know, 'bout her Man.

We could dish & junk, about what a big, old clit he is-
Oh, who am I kidding? The smart money says she's

all kinds of racist.

7 Possible Chapbook Titles

1) The Whole Banana Syndrome

2) Naked Ape Seeks Non-Smoking Mirror

3) Screaming Blue Bloody Murder

4) Look Out, His Ray Gun Looks Genuine

5) So, You've Decided to Touch Yourself

6) They Called Him Backsass McGee

7) Each Little Keystroke Sounded Like a Kiss

Blood Sausage Song

This is a stained-glass homage
to my dog: Marley.
Her breed is a mixture
of English blood sausages.
Her temperment resembles
that of cheap luggage.
She will spend hours
licking her right dewclaw.
She will spend more hours
licking our patchwork bedding.
She needs to sit down
using seven distinct steps.
She sneezes in reverse
whenever the Queen
appears on CBC Newsworld.
Also, she likes to bark
at the doorbells
that lives in our walls,
& lick our novelty doormat
into submission.