NIAGARA FALLS, ON – To the delight of many visitors, a trainer at the Marineland amusement park has recently captured the affections of a 365 kilogram female walrus. Five-year-old Smooshi had become increasingly smitten with her trainer, Phil Demers ever since his arrival to the park from Belarus nearly four years ago.
‘Smooshi followed Phil everywhere’ said a senior Marineland veterinarian ‘she even barked whenever he left her sight, or visited with other animals. It was really quite adorable.’
However, the storybook romance soon turned sour when Smooshi waddled in on her trainer drinking a can of Tab Energy. The walrus quickly filed assault charges against Demers, & stated to Niagara police that ‘Oh my God, oh my God, I touched him. He’s probably given me the Gay. It’ll penetrate my thick hide in a way that arctic water never could.’
It was not long until Prime Minister Stephen Harper weighed in on this issue during Question Period, asserting that this ‘predatory trainer’ was obviously involved in some sort of flaming, Communist/Separatist conspiracy. ‘He does come from Russia, after all’ said the Right Honourable Mr. Harper ‘& godless degenerates are often lured into alliances with The Bloc.’
Outside of the House of Commons, Minister of Foreign Affairs, Peter MacKay was also quoted as saying ‘They’re called ‘Pinkos’ for a reason, folks. Their socks refuse to clash with their shoes, & they promote that swishy, equity ccrap.’
When reached for comment, Marineland officials simply replied ‘Vodka, vodka. Sharing, sharing.’
‘Smooshi followed Phil everywhere’ said a senior Marineland veterinarian ‘she even barked whenever he left her sight, or visited with other animals. It was really quite adorable.’
However, the storybook romance soon turned sour when Smooshi waddled in on her trainer drinking a can of Tab Energy. The walrus quickly filed assault charges against Demers, & stated to Niagara police that ‘Oh my God, oh my God, I touched him. He’s probably given me the Gay. It’ll penetrate my thick hide in a way that arctic water never could.’
It was not long until Prime Minister Stephen Harper weighed in on this issue during Question Period, asserting that this ‘predatory trainer’ was obviously involved in some sort of flaming, Communist/Separatist conspiracy. ‘He does come from Russia, after all’ said the Right Honourable Mr. Harper ‘& godless degenerates are often lured into alliances with The Bloc.’
Outside of the House of Commons, Minister of Foreign Affairs, Peter MacKay was also quoted as saying ‘They’re called ‘Pinkos’ for a reason, folks. Their socks refuse to clash with their shoes, & they promote that swishy, equity ccrap.’
When reached for comment, Marineland officials simply replied ‘Vodka, vodka. Sharing, sharing.’
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