A Letter to Axe Body Spray

Dear Axe,

Finally, after years of political
roundtables, traded spaces, &
general Discovery Channel crap,
you folks have truly produced
some heroic TV. Your product
has spoken to all of us who view
showers as quaint distractions
in the pursuit of getting just a
little bit laid. Your deodorant
has defied social mores & bravely
declared to us: ‘Psst. Hey kids,
we’ve got atomized Rohypnol;
you know you want it. So baste
yourself, & then gleefully duck
the zipping projectiles of available
women. Go on, just follow your
nose toward Shopper’s Drug Mart.
Yeah, that’s where they keep all
the sexy stuff. All right friends, the
time has come to put down your
patent-pending robotic vagina.
But do it gently. You may not
need it anymore, but you can
still resell it to all those poor saps
left outside the aerosol loop.
Done that? Good. Now run. Run
damn you! Sprint towards that
glorious 24 hour pharmacopeia.
But, do not forget your wallet;
I cannot stress that enough. Oh,
just think of it kid, you’re going
to get the real thing from now
on. No more shamefully viewing
Hilary Duff reruns on the Family
Network for you, no sir. Believe
me boys, getting some is way
cheaper than you ever knew.’
May we all raise our flammable
canisters into the air, & toast our
noble fortunes: We few, we happy
few, we band of sexy bitches.

Sincerely,
Ryan