An Excerpt From 'The Orphan Manatee'

... Then she finally came across what she perceived to be a loose collective of Teutonic endeavourers. She asked them, ‘are you, by any chance, a troupe of Nordic explorers that are friendly with a nurse?’
They replied, ‘I don’t know. We can’t seem to remember anything about ourselves. It is as if we have been cursed by this merciless, February terrain.’ Lorelei smiled enchantingly & said ‘perhaps these valentines will help you remember a little bit about yourselves.’ The men exchanged gruff, incredulous looks before their leader accepted the stack of valentines which Lorelei the manatee had offered.
‘I am doubtful’ said the head Nordic explorer ‘that simple valentines could help me remember that I am Mr. Otto Schlecht of Dresden, husband of Greta Schlecht, father of Frieda, Werner, & little Otto Schlecht – say! You did it. The valentines did it. I remember.’
‘I thought you might’ said Lorelei with an enchanting grin, as she watched the other explorers clambered over one another to grab hold of their respective valentines, ‘I thought you might.’
‘And I am Karl’ said one man.
‘And I am Deider’ said another.
‘And I have cancer’ said Otto.
Everyone got quiet.
‘I have cancer, right in the hand’ screamed Otto ‘I have hand cancer.’ Then he threw his valentine at Karl.
‘Ouch,’ shouted Karl, ‘you hit me in the cancer.’
‘Do shut up’ sassed Deider ‘there is cancer in my eyeballs. I can see it multiplying. It resembles many overlapping hearts of kaleidoscopic cancer. It’s really quite horrible.’ And while Deider was justifiably distracted, he dropped his valentine on the ground.
‘Look, now the ground has cancer’ said Karl.
‘So does that puddle’ pointed Otto.
The puddle cancer spread to the Nordic river. The Nordic river cancer spread to the Nordic bay. The Nordic bay cancer spread to the polar icecaps. The polar icecaps turned black with cancer. Lorelei’s jaw dropped, but not because of cancer.

*

This is perhaps the worst children's story ever written. Read it in its entirety at www.ryanbird.com/manatee. Also, go & adopt a manatee for Valentines Day, here.