Dear Spirit,
You are my most favourite of all Mars Rovers.
I have never been a big fan of your younger sister,
Opportunity, even when she used to be called
MER-B. But you, on the other hand, have always
been Spirit to me. You see, it all started back in
June of ’03 when NASA sponsored a student essay
contest in order to name you & your twin. Even
from my earliest draft, you were always ‘Spirit’,
but ‘Opportunity’ was clearly named ‘Moonchild’.
NASA chose to ignore my suggestion, so I did what
any frustrated child would have done: I waited
nearly two years, threw a wicked temper tantrum
at a Cape Canaveral gift shop, & then placed a
Gypsy curse upon your mission. It was nothing
too fancy, just a little burnt bugleweed, a symbolic
catalyst, a couple panicked chants toward Deimos,
& presto, it was a done deal. Understandably,
NASA is normally rather diligent about curse-
proofing their interplanetary robotics; however,
when I discovered how you & your sister were
to be equipped with memorial plaques--rendered
from World Trade Center debris--I knew just what
catalyst to use for my curse. You see Spirit, earlier
that year my clan had given me a gold & silver
clad commemorative coin, made with .999 pure
silver collected from vaults beneath the rubble of
Ground Zero, with an erectable set of Twin Towers
built right in. Admittedly Spirit, I thought this gift
to be tasteless, but now I know better; I now
understand just how tasteful it can be to capitalize
upon an opportunity. So, I used my collector’s
edition catalyst to curse your mission into depressing
perpetuity. Of course, NASA considers your
lifespan to be ‘miraculous’, but what they do not
know is that every piece of data you or Opportunity
ever collect, every panoramic photo you ever snap,
every historic crater you ever skirt, every inch of
barren dust you ever traverse will never bring you
back to America: the land of the free & the home
of the brave souls that donate nearly $5 from
every $49.95 profit to 9/11 memorial funds.
That is your curse, Spirit & ‘Opportunity’, to be
forever banished from this glorious land. So, go
suck on that, you rolling bastards! But seriously,
no fooling Spirit, you are my favourite of all
the MERs.
Sincerely,
Ryan
You are my most favourite of all Mars Rovers.
I have never been a big fan of your younger sister,
Opportunity, even when she used to be called
MER-B. But you, on the other hand, have always
been Spirit to me. You see, it all started back in
June of ’03 when NASA sponsored a student essay
contest in order to name you & your twin. Even
from my earliest draft, you were always ‘Spirit’,
but ‘Opportunity’ was clearly named ‘Moonchild’.
NASA chose to ignore my suggestion, so I did what
any frustrated child would have done: I waited
nearly two years, threw a wicked temper tantrum
at a Cape Canaveral gift shop, & then placed a
Gypsy curse upon your mission. It was nothing
too fancy, just a little burnt bugleweed, a symbolic
catalyst, a couple panicked chants toward Deimos,
& presto, it was a done deal. Understandably,
NASA is normally rather diligent about curse-
proofing their interplanetary robotics; however,
when I discovered how you & your sister were
to be equipped with memorial plaques--rendered
from World Trade Center debris--I knew just what
catalyst to use for my curse. You see Spirit, earlier
that year my clan had given me a gold & silver
clad commemorative coin, made with .999 pure
silver collected from vaults beneath the rubble of
Ground Zero, with an erectable set of Twin Towers
built right in. Admittedly Spirit, I thought this gift
to be tasteless, but now I know better; I now
understand just how tasteful it can be to capitalize
upon an opportunity. So, I used my collector’s
edition catalyst to curse your mission into depressing
perpetuity. Of course, NASA considers your
lifespan to be ‘miraculous’, but what they do not
know is that every piece of data you or Opportunity
ever collect, every panoramic photo you ever snap,
every historic crater you ever skirt, every inch of
barren dust you ever traverse will never bring you
back to America: the land of the free & the home
of the brave souls that donate nearly $5 from
every $49.95 profit to 9/11 memorial funds.
That is your curse, Spirit & ‘Opportunity’, to be
forever banished from this glorious land. So, go
suck on that, you rolling bastards! But seriously,
no fooling Spirit, you are my favourite of all
the MERs.
Sincerely,
Ryan
No comments:
Post a Comment