MANHATTAN, NY—Yesterday, yet another widely publicized appearance of Jesus Christ was competently suppressed by Bill Donahue, President of the Catholic League. Not only did Mr. Donahue successfully banish a life-size, anatomically-correct, chocolate sculpture of The Crucifixion, but he did so in record time.
Cosimo Cavallaro, the artist responsible for the controversial My Sweet Lord was reached for comment, stating ‘He told us to eat of Him. Therefore, I was merely trying to comment up—Oh, tabernac! Who’s been eating His eyes? Look buddy, I don’t care if they’re the best part!’
By the time our camera crew reached Mr. Donahue for comment, he was already in mid-sentence, ‘…one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever. It’s not just the ugliness of the portrayal, or how dark He looks, but it’s the timing. I mean, with Palm Sunday just around the—.’
Then Donahue suddenly glanced down at his Twitter, only to breathlessly proclaim to the throng that My Sweet Lord would be unveiled, as planned. ‘Turns out that foreign guy is sculpting us a new saviour. This time using white chocolate. He’s Himself again’ cried Bill Donahue, ‘Fed Ex will deliver Him by 2pm, & then He’ll be himself again.’
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